The Biggest Relationship Red Flag You Probably Haven’t Heard Of, According to a Therapist
· Vice
Did you know there are vampires living among us?
Okay, so maybe not the traditional blood-sucking type of vampire you’re imagining, but rather the energy-draining kind that steals the life out of you just the same. These individuals are often hiding in plain sight, yet unaware of their own impact—especially in their most intimate relationships.
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Are you dating an energy vampire? Here’s how to find out.
What Is an Energy Vampire?
According to therapist and coach John Sovec in Pasadena, CA, “An energy vampire is that person who seems to drain the life right out of you.”
“You know the one: you meet for coffee, and by the end, you feel like you’ve just run an emotional marathon while they’ve left with a pep in their step,” he continues. “They thrive on attention, drama, and sometimes, unfortunately, your emotional bandwidth.”
Sometimes, this behavior isn’t intentional—but that doesn’t mean it isn’t damaging.
“Unlike fictional vampires, energy vampires usually don’t mean to leave you feeling empty,” says Sovec. “While not a formal diagnosis, it’s a catchy way to describe someone whose social interactions tend to leave you feeling… well, sucked dry. Think of it as a cousin to ‘trauma dumping.’ Both can feel overwhelming, but the key difference is intention. Trauma dumping might be a one-off overshare during a rough time, while an energy vampire has a pattern where every single time you talk to them, you leave the interaction emotionally tapped out.”
Are You Dating an Energy Vampire?
It’s one thing to be friends with an energy vampire, as you can set boundaries from more of a distance. But when it’s your romantic partner, it can be difficult to protect your peace. Thankfully, energy vampires are easy to spot, meaning you can likely pick up on the red flags before you end up in a relationship.
“Although they don’t wear capes or live in coffins, they do have some telltale traits,” says Sovec.
Some of the signs, he adds, include talking exclusively about themselves, always playing the victim, having a pessimistic view of everything, letting jealousy and competitiveness take over, constantly needing attention, continuously one-upping your stories, and rarely asking about anyone but themselves.
Unshockingly, after spending time with an energy vampire, you typically end up feeling worse, says Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD,
“One of the biggest signs that someone is an emotional vampire is not how they react but rather who you become when you are around them. Examples include walking on eggshells, apologizing for things that you are not responsible for, and trying your hardest to make them feel happy,” Lombardo continues. “Rather than feeling connected and supported, you leave your time together feeling irritated, exhausted, or down about yourself. I call this the psychological red zone when you have high levels of distress.”
It doesn’t stop here, however. If you do attempt to set boundaries with your energy vampire of a partner, they usually become even more irritated or reactive, making it nearly impossible to hold them accountable and find common ground.
“In a healthy relationship, boundaries are respected. An energy vampire wants to keep taking and taking from you,” Lombardo says. “And if you set a boundary, they can respond with accusations, passive-aggressive comments, or even emotional withdrawal.”
“A positive relationship has give-and-take,” she adds. “But a relationship with an energy vampire is all about them taking.”
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