4 Questions to Ask Before Sleeping With Someone New, According to Therapists
· Vice
Having a “talk” before sleeping with someone new isn’t the sexiest, which is probably why so many people skip it and hope for the best. The sex happens, and the questions come later. Sometimes much later.
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A new study found that expectations around emotional closeness had a stronger effect on sexual desire than expectations around orgasm for both men and women. And New York City therapist Rachel Wright told Business Insider that one of the best places to start is asking yourself, “What do I need to feel safe?”
To help you feel safe with someone, here are some questions to ask.
1. “When Did You Last Get Tested?”
I’m not sure anyone loves this conversation, but pretending STIs don’t exist because the chemistry is amazing is a terrible plan.
This is also one of those things that’s easier to talk about before you’re half-dressed. Asking when someone last got tested and what they were tested for. It becomes an open-ended question instead of just asking, “Are you clean?”
You’re allowed to ask. They’re allowed to ask you too.
2. “What Do You Actually Like?”
This one should be obvious, and somehow it still isn’t.
Psychologist Paul Joannides wrote in The Guide to Getting It On that people tend to assume they already know what a partner wants or stay quiet instead of giving feedback. That’s how you end up doing something for 10 minutes because both people are too polite to say it’s doing absolutely nothing.
When you know what they actually want, it saves everyone some time. It also gives you a chance to say what works for you instead of expecting them to somehow read your mind.
3. “Anything You’re Not Into?”
The opposite can be equally as important.
You also don’t have to wait until you’re face-to-face to bring it up. Sex therapist Angela Skurtu told Bustle that these conversations can feel awkward in person, and talking about it earlier or even over text can make it easier. No one’s naked, and there’s no pressure.
4. “What Is This?”
This is probably the one people avoid the most because the answer could be…inconvenient to the moment.
Maybe one person thinks this is casual while the other has already started imagining weekends away together. There could even be other partners involved that you don’t know about. Finding that out after sex is way less fun than finding it out before.
You don’t need to sit someone down for a full “where’s our future going” convo. A simple “What are you looking for right now?” works just fine.
Talking about this stuff beforehand might feel awkward for five minutes. But it’s better to be on the same page before the clothes come off.
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