What Really Happens When You Sleep With a Friend, According to Psychology
· Vice
Sleeping with a friend sounds like a great idea after three tequila shots and a shared Uber home. The next morning, when you’re trying to remember who made the first move, things can get a little complicated. But sometimes, sleeping with a friend is how a great relationship starts.
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Researchers at the University of Victoria looked at nearly 1,900 people and found that 68% said their current or most recent relationship started as a friendship. That figure climbed to 85% among people in their 20s and LGBTQ+ respondents. So there’s a solid chance the person you’re dating was once someone you called to complain about the people you were dating.
Researchers Followed Friends With Benefits for a Year. Here’s What Happened.
Being friends before falling in love is one thing. Hooking up with a friend and hoping they’ll eventually fall in love with you is a different story. Kinsey Institute research fellow Justin Lehmiller and his colleagues followed 192 people in friends-with-benefits arrangements for a year. Only 15% became romantic partners, while 28% went back to being friends. Another 26% were still sleeping together, and 31% had stopped speaking altogether.
And if you’re secretly hoping your friend will fall madly in love with you, the odds aren’t especially encouraging. Just 15% of people who wanted their casual arrangement to become a relationship got what they wanted. Those who hoped to stop hooking up and go back to being friends fared much better, with 59% getting their wish.
Still, having sex doesn’t automatically ruin a friendship. In a separate study of 308 college students, about 35% said they were just as close after their sexual relationship ended, and a smaller group grew closer. Another 32% weren’t quite as close as before, while nearly 19% weren’t friends anymore.
One thing that seemed to help was talking about what they were doing. Lehmiller found that people who discussed ground rules were more likely to maintain some relationship afterward. Those who lost contact often said they hadn’t communicated enough or had wanted different things.
It’s not super sexy to ask your friend where this is going when you’re halfway through taking your clothes off. But if one person wants a relationship and the other just wants occasional sex, it’s better to get that out in the open. Otherwise, you could spend three months overanalyzing their texts before they show up to trivia night with someone new.
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